I thought I’d misread this headline due to sleep deprivation, but no, this really happened:

 

Caped rapist the talk of the town in Malacca

 

So apparently some dude has been getting his non-consensual jollies while wearing the Caped Crusader’s outfit. Now, rape is not funny. It. Is. Not.

 

What is funny is that some of the denizens of Malacca, according to this Straits Times article, are speculating that the “caped rapist” is a supernatural being.

 

Wait, what?

 

A supernatural being? Hey, they did watch the Batman movies, right? They do know he’s not… real? I mean, I cherish the idea of Batman being real (and looking exactly like Christian Bale) but even as the fictional character, Batman doesn’t have supernatural powers, just the heady combination of lots of money, fancy tech, martial arts training and Michael Caine.

 

While I admit that if Michael freaking Caine is your butler, you kind of do have supernatural powers, it’s not quite the real McCoy.

 

Assuming they don’t think it’s Batman himself, but a ghost…or something in disguise, I can see how a Batman outfit would probably be one of the more suitable sartorial choices for… supernatural creatures who were looking for a good time at someone else’s expense, but this ‘supernatural being’ theory is ten different kinds of insane.

 

Exactly what kind of hellish “supernatural being” are we talking about that has the ability (solid form) to have intercourse with a human? Hmnnnn? Let’s take a look at the likely suspects: (leaving out female supernatural beings for reasons that I hope are obvious)

 

1. Demon

2. Imp/ Goblin/ Evil Hobbits

3. Leprechaun

4. Werewolf

5. Male Bieber fan

6. Vampire

7. That asshole on the train who seems to have X-ray vision and won’t stop looking at your chest

 

Okay, there’s your list. What I want to know is HOW these people came to the conclusion that it was a supernatural being. Let’s look at the list again and eliminate the more ridiculous suspects:

 

1. Demon Oh, come on. Really? It’s always the demons that get accused first, isn’t it? Species stereotype much?

2. Imp/ Goblin/ Evil Hobbits Too short to wear the Batman costume – unless they saved a child-sized one from last Halloween.

3. Leprechaun Wrong continent.

4. Werewolf Werewolves in human form are HOT, as anyone who has watched Teen Wolf or True Blood will tell you. They don’t need to force themselves on anyone – women will maim, claw and possibly kill to bonk a werewolf.

5. Male Bieber fan While it is clear that male Bieber fans are terrifying hellspawn that should not be exposed to society, they are also not-so-secretly girls, and highly unlikely to have the urge to rape women, let alone do it in a Batman suit.

6. Vampire No straight woman in her right mind would say no to a vampire *cough*Eric Northman*cough* appearing on their doorstep and in need of something… more substantial than blood. Vampires = sexy. They do not need to force people to have sex with them. It just happens – it’s like their substitute for breathing.

7. That asshole on the train who seems to have X-ray vision and won’t stop looking at your chest.

 

Hmn. HMNNNNNNNN. THIS LAST ONE SEEMS QUITE LIKELY, DON’T YOU THINK???? MINUS THE X-RAY VISION?

 

Once again… truth = stranger than fiction. Also, the administration in Malacca may want to check exactly what is going into the water supply. Just saying.