So apparently the Singapore Police Force is going to equip its officers with body cameras. This way, professional conduct (or misconduct), or anyone resisting arrest is recorded clearly, complete with audio.

I think the new police body cameras are a good idea. Or … they would be, unless you have an overly involved superior who simply must kaypoh.

A lot.

 

Meet Lim, a police officer who curses the day body cameras were introduced.

A LOT.

 

“Eh Lim! You policeman or food blogger ah? How come you always patrol at hawker centre ah? Not enough criminals to catch, must help NEA issit?”

 

“Lim, you sure you want to have the teh? Better make it siew dai hor, you put in request for bigger size uniform how many times this year already.”

 

“Lim, your wife asked to me tell you ah, no need to be so nice to the char bors. You ma’am once can already. Got a lot of char bor like men in uniform, better careful a bit ah.”

 

“Lim, can help me buy some toilet paper from Shop and Save after you settle the shop theft incident? We all lao sai jialat jialat, I think kena food poisoning liao.”

 

“Lim! I told you how many times already? You don’t anyhowly pose for Instagram photos with civilians when you on duty! Ask them to take selfie with the cardboard fella can already!”

 

“Lim, your mother asked me to tell you not to eat so much goreng pisang because she cooked a lot for dinner. Also can help me buy some goreng pisang after you arrest the suspect?”

 

“EEEEYERRRRRR Lim! You neh wash your hands after go toilet leh!”

 

“Eh Lim, you don’t recycle your milk tea bottles ah? I see you every time just throw in the dustbin. You know we got recycling bins near the station right? You dowan to save the planet issit?”

 

“Lim, you kukubird! The suspect is getting away at 5km/hr! My grandmother’s cockatoo also can walk faster than that!”

 

“Lim, please advise Ahmad to stay away from Blk 123. We have reports of multiple volatile civilians in the area. Har? Aiyah. Got a lot of char bor there CSI his Facebook after he save that auntie’s cat lah. His girlfriend damn dulan already.”

 

“Lim, you don’t step macam you Manhunt winner just because you went back to size M ah. All the aunties busy admiring Ahmad. Just get the statement and don’t waste time can anot?”

 

“Lim, after you get the witness statement can help me go next door and find out how much the boyzilian wax? My wife wants me to start manscaping lah. Eh painful anot? You got try before?”

 

At this point, Lim gives up and asks to be transferred to Pulau Ubin, envisioning a relatively peaceful life of driving stranded day trippers to the jetty after sundown. Unfortunately, Lim does not realize that living on a very small island means that your boss, his auntie, and your neighbour’s wife’s hamster are all kaypohing in your business. All the time.

 

A lot.

 

“Lim, why you never rescue the hermit crab from the road? He very poor thing you know!”

 

And thus ends the story of Lim, who wakes up every day cursing the bright spark who decided that body cameras for police officers would be a good idea.

 

Disclaimer: If you take this seriously as a criticism of the SPF, then you are a kukubird to rival all kukubirds. All the cops I’ve encountered here have been incredibly helpful. The two times I had to call them last year about fire-related incidents in my block, they were really nice. And I am sure none of our policemen are so free that the above scenarios will ever happen.

Okay, maybe the cardboard policeman scenario could happen. (Especially when I am around said cardboard policeman.) And Ahmad’s fangirls, which was an actual thing. Sort of.

 

*Photo shamelessly borrowed from redwiretimes.com because I am on a tiny island in Thailand and there are no cardboard policemen here.