There’s Anyhowly Romance … And There’s This Guy

 

There are times when you simply can’t believe your eyes when you read something like this. Surely, no one could be this clueless and creepy all at the same time, right? I mean, we’ve all seen truly terrible examples of anyhowly romance, from creepy Tinder messages to profile pictures of stallions and lightning (ew).

 

creepy-fb-message

 

Full message text:

Hola Senorita. You may address me as Sir, though most of my friends call me Abraham. I’d like to believe I’m one of those jack of all trades who picks things up pretty easily. I love alcohol, dancing (think the club) & alcohol.  Outside that wild side, I also love musicals (think les mis) & good food. While the thought of having passionate and mindless sex with you might be appealing to many douchebag boys, I would very much prefer conversations over dinner, and a drink or three, before there is even any thought about steamy overnight sex slash kinky bondage play that we might both enjoy. Yes I agree that friendship should be the basis of everything. So here’s to dinner and drinks. What say you?

This unsolicited message was sent to my friend via Facebook messenger. Note: she doesn’t know this guy at all. It’s inappropriate on so many levels, and sure, we could just all fall about laughing/ cringing in horror at this gorblok. However, I’m a fan of lifelong learning, so I thought I’d examine the less obvious fails here (along with the more outrageous fails) and translate this to Non-Creepy Dude after that. You’re welcome.

I’m not censoring his name because this screenshot was shared publicly, and if you are stupid enough to send this to a stranger via FB messenger, then you just have to deal with the consequences.

 

Hola Senorita.

Eh, hola your head, understand or not? I’m not sure why men here seem to think this is endearing coming from a stranger – it’s not. In fact, it comes across as trying too hard.

 

You may address me as Sir, though most of my friends call me Abraham.

Slow down, cowboy. Unless it’s Sir Jackass, no woman in her right mind is going to call you Sir or be happy about that instruction, 1) coming from a complete stranger, and 2) especially after they read the rest of this repulsive message. Also, since “most of” his friends call him Abraham, what do the rest of his friends call him? Enquiring minds want to know. Wait, maybe he really is called Sir Jackass!

 

I’d like to believe I’m one of those jack of all trades who picks things up pretty easily.

Like lint, bacteria and tapeworms? While you’re picking things up, you might want to pick up some social skills, too.

 

 I love alcohol, dancing (think the club) & alcohol. 

 Well, with that classy intro, who could possibly resist this studmuffin? The club, ladies! He is all grown up because he dances in clubs and this makes him suave! Plus that awkward second reference to loving alcohol … OMG SQUEEEE WHAT A MAN!

 


Outside that wild side, I also love musicals (think les mis) & good food.

Abraham/ Sir Jackass wants you to know that he’s all party on the outside, and all culture on the inside. He loves musicals – like Les Mis. So sophisticates. Much arts. Wow! Oh, you love good food? Yeah, you and the rest of Singapore. Who doesn’t love good food? As if there are people, let alone Singaporeans, who are all: “Oh, you know, I love this museum but I HATE THE RIBEYE STEAK HERE, IT’S SO GOOD. DAMN, I HATE GOOD FOOD.”

 

While the thought of having passionate and mindless sex with you might be appealing to many douchebag boys, I would very much prefer conversations over dinner, and a drink or three, before there is even any thought about steamy overnight sex slash kinky bondage play that we might both enjoy.

There is nothing sadder in the world than a sleazebag trying to be smooth and classy without realizing that the other person already knows he’s a sleazebag. It’s fracking depressing. I think the most disturbing thing about this part of the message is that the guy actually thought he was being clever and distancing himself from douchebags who use more time-honoured methods, like grabbing your ass in the club. And just in case you didn’t get the message about how much he loves alcohol, he wants to get to know you over “a drink or three.”

This is so depressing, in fact, that I’m going to drown my sorrows in a pork burrito now.

 

 Yes I agree that friendship should be the basis of everything. So here’s to dinner and drinks. What say you?

 

Now that you’ve read that spectacular shitshow of a message, here’s how it could have gone down, had Sir Jackass only used my patented, foolproof Creep to Normal Person translator.

 

Hi 🙂 I’m Abraham, and I really enjoyed reading some of your posts which I saw in my newsfeed from our mutual friends.

 Do not talk about lame things that are only cool to 16-year-olds. Establish that you are not a creepy weirdo. I cannot stress this enough. ESTABLISH THAT YOU ARE NOT A CREEP BY NOT BEING CREEPY. Rocket science, it is not.

 

I’d like to believe I’m one of those jack of all trades who picks things up pretty easily. I love alcohol, dancing (think the club) & alcohol.  Outside that wild side, I also love musicals (think les mis) & good food. 

 This is Facebook, not a dating app, and no one cares about how much you enjoy long walks on the beach. Keep in mind that you are also messaging a complete stranger. Stop being a weirdo. What the hell is wrong with you?

 

While the thought of having passionate and mindless sex with you might be appealing to many douchebag boys, I would very much prefer conversations over dinner, and a drink or three, before there is even any thought about steamy overnight sex slash kinky bondage play that we might both enjoy. 

 I mean it. Don’t be a creep. No one wants to hear about your lame sex fantasies while you pretend to be a non-creep and completely fail to do so.

 

Would love to grab a coffee and chat sometime!

Coffee is your friend. Apart from being the nectar of the gods, it is also casual and not creepy at all, unlike “dinner and a drink or three.”

 

I don’t think chatting up people by Facebook messenger is a particularly appropriate or efficient way to get a date. Hi, have you not heard of Tinder? However, it can be done in a manner that is not entirely gross, although chatting people up on Facebook is skeevy in principle. (Really, are you 14? Who even does that?)

Moral of the story: don’t anyhowly romance people on Facebook, especially  if you’re an inappropriate creep.