Unless you have been living under a rock and/or held hostage by a giant plate of hyperintelligent char kway teow, you’ve probably heard about the sexts from a certain vivacious lady to the ex-CNB chief. To avoid the humiliation of having your craptastically lame sexts read out (and recorded) in court and splashed all over the news, use this handy guide to determine if you Simply Shouldn’t Be Sexting. At the very least, refrain from asking, “Do you DIY?” Please.

 

Do your sexts include any of the following acronyms?

 

1. PIE
2. ERP
3. DIY
4. MRT

 

 

Do your sexts resemble any of the following samples?

 

1. “My SP sperm Singapore Polytechnic has a chip. It is in your body now.”
2. “I have 3 hours. We could have fun at Legoland.”
3. “Is your chihuahua at home?”
4. “I am wearing SpongeBob SquarePants boxers right now and they are itchy.”

 

Are you the sort of person that thinks “Eh, let’s buy a HDB flat!” is an appropriate way to propose? Tell the truth, now.

 

 

If you answered no to all three questions, you should be fine. However, if you answered yes to any of these questions, you can take the following steps to ensure  that your lameass sexts don’t get splashed all over the papers and recorded in a court transcript:

 

1. Stop. Sexting. Now. Dammit.

2. Focus on your face-to-face romance skills, because from the look of it, you need to focus on the basics.

3. Don’t get involved with married people. Especially if they are high-ranking civil servants.

5. Brush up on your grammar before attempting sexts, because the only thing worse than a lameass, pragmatic sext is a lameass, pragmatic sext that has grammatical errors.

6. Do not ever include “how how how” in a sext. Unless the recipient of your texts is really turned on by whiny teenagers. If this is the case, your sext-writing aptitude is really the least of your worries.

 

Still clueless about sexting?

Don’t DIY, then.