Simi Political Prata?

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What the hell is political prata? An oily (if tasty) alternative to lim kopi?

Perish the thought. You see, politics in Singapore is a really, really weird creature. How weird is it? Pretty damn weird. Go get your google-fu on if you have no idea what I’m talking about.

Being the kind soul that I am, I thought I’d decode some of the things that our local politicians are saying so that we can all understand what they are really saying. See, politicianspeak can be a bit like a prata: it gets tossed round in circles and totally distracts us from the real issues at hand (e.g. you ordered a prata/  MRT train/ level playing field and it still hasn’t arrived yet).

Solution: Political Prata! Politicianspeak demystified – hooray! Political Prata aims to help you get equivocation and selective reporting out of the way so you can understand what the hell politicians are really up to and what the newspaper (probably) meant to say.

Akan datang: Political Prata decodes PM Lee’s Facebook note about the Hougang by-election.

Caution: contains humour, Singlish and use of the phrase “political prata.” Do not read on an empty stomach. Political Prata is for entertainment, mmmkay? Don’t say we anyhowly give out political advice.

The Political Prata | PM Lee on the Hougang by-election: Vote for us, kthxbye!

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As you probably know by now, the Hougang by-election is quite near. No, really. Nomination Day is 16 May, and Polling Day is 26 May. (2012, not 2016).

Interestingly, PM Lee chose to disseminate his statement about the by-election via a Facebook note – that in itself has a subtext that our dear PM has been trying to hammer into our noggins since he first fiddled with a phone on a national televised broadcast and It Was A Cool Thing For A PM To Do, Yo.

The subtext? It’s this: Our PM, he is savvy with social media – he’s connected, man! Don’t forget the What I Had For Dinner thing, either. He is so cool that he uses Facebook notes to disseminate information about matters of national interest – like a by-election. Okaaay. Normal press release not cool enough, I see. Just so you know, one of the things that he wants you all to know is that he is a social media “newbie” (eh, PM, n00b lah) but totally eager to connect with you via the interwebs. Kudos to his media team for… trying. It was not their fault that ST sabo-ed them by mistaking PM Lee’s dinner menu for breaking actual news.

Now for the statement itself (in italics), which was actually quite an entertaining one, as far as statements go. It started out ho-hum, but got very interesting later on. Looks like the gloves are off!

 

In the General Election in May 2011, nearly all seats were contested. Many important issues were aired and debated. In the outcome, Singaporeans gave the PAP team a clear mandate to form the Government.

Translation: We have a clear mandate! It’s CLEAR, ok? It may be slipping, but it’s CLEAR. The apology was for… um… what did we apologize for, again? We won, right?

 

Over the past year, the Government has worked hard together with Singa­poreans to implement its programme to build an inclusive Singapore, and improve the lives of all.

Translation: We are your only hope. That is all.

 

We set the broad directions when Parliament opened last October. In the Budget in February we followed up with effective schemes to help the poor, the elderly and the disabled. We are also upgrading our companies’ and workers’ skills, so that our economy can grow and Singaporeans can improve their incomes year by year.

Translation: We are competent. What do you mean, how are we competent? We’ve done… things and stuff. Look, porridge and a new market! Shiny things!

 

However, much work remains ahead to translate good policies and programmes into actions on the ground, and to deliver the results that we all look forward to.

Translation: If you vote us in, we can do… stuff. For you. Because WE will be the ones to deliver things to the electorate – no-one else is capable, mmmkay?

 

In January this year, news surfaced of personal indiscretions by Mr Yaw Shin Leong, the Workers’ Party (WP) Member of Parliament for Hougang constituency. The WP first kept totally silent, then supported Mr Yaw, and then three weeks later suddenly expelled him from the party. Until now the WP has not given Singa­poreans a full and proper account of what happened, or why it acted in this way. Mr Yaw himself has said nothing, either to explain or to apologise for his behaviour, and has reportedly left the country. Both the WP and Mr Yaw have let down all those who voted for him. As a result of Mr Yaw’s expulsion from the WP, the Hougang constituency seat fell vacant.

Translation: SCANDAL! SCANDAL! SCANDAL! See lah, this WP… not accountable for their scandal-infested members causing awkward vacancies in Parliament! WHY NO DETAILS WP???

 

I hope these events will not distract us from focussing on our national priorities, and building an inclusive Singa­pore. Although the Constitution does not require me to call a by-election within any fixed timeframe, I said in Parliament that I intended to call a by-election in Hougang. This morning I advised the President to issue the Writ of Election.

Translation: Aren’t I such a magnanimous leader? I don’t need to call the Hougang by-election until next GE but I’m calling one now. I know: I’m awesome. Psst – SCANDAL!!!

 

The by-election will give Hougang residents the chance to elect a new MP to serve them.

Translation: Apart from being a totally awesome leader, I also moonlight as Captain Obvious.

 

I encourage Hougang voters to use this opportunity wisely,….

Translation: You opposition people think you are the only ones who can use the “vote wisely” Jedi mind trick issit?

 

…to elect the best candidate with commitment and integrity:

Translation: I hope you know that we can BE FAITHFUL to you and serve you with INTEGRITY because- SCANDAL! SCANDAL!

 

…someone they can rely upon to express their hopes and concerns, address their needs, and make a real difference to their lives.

Translation: We are a real party, so we can make a real difference. We don’t anyhowly have scandals, ok? You can RELY on us.

 

 The Political Prata Says:

Eh, PM. Your copywriters very clever, hor. They are also trigger happy. If you squeeze in any more words that communicate a caring, reliable and morally robust gahmen, the last paragraph of your speech will explode and turn into the unholy love child of a care bear and a glitter bomb.

Also, it’s very low class to bring up the scandal, y’know. This kind of thing, must let your unpopular MPs say! Or maybe those you are aiming to put in Aljunied in 2016. Our PM should be above such things… shouldn’t he? Ah, what do I know, I’m just a political prata.

 

The Small Gods of Singapore

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It’s quiet at Tekka Market hawker centre. I’m sitting next to a Buddhist altar framed by multicoloured LED strips. It’s not garish at all; in fact, the effect is pleasantly twee. Incense smoke wanders away from the altar in a decidedly desultory fashion, mingling with the cigarette smoke from an ah pek enjoying a solitary bottle of Carlsberg at 9.27 in the morning.

This is the unofficial Chinese corner of Tekka market’s hawker centre; a modest two rows of wonton mee, century egg porridge, and oyster omelette nestled at the far end of a sprawling complex of Indian food stalls, textile shops, and nut-brown ladies selling vivid packets of curry powder and spices.

The drinks stall that provided my bracing kopi peng siew tai is very much an open-kitchen affair. Clouds of white steam rise above the drinks stall uncle who prepares the coffee, making him resemble some ancient mythical creature, steam billowing importantly around his white hair. His deft, wrinkled fingers coax another cup of perfect kopi for the next customer. He looks like a small god; the small god of kopi stall luck, perhaps. The deity that one unwittingly prays to when faced with a choice of 4 drink stalls in an unfamiliar hawker centre: please, oh please, let the kopi at this stall be good.

Singapore has many small gods: kopi luck god, empty table at lunch hour god, parking ticket (evasion) god, HDB flat application god… the list goes on. While I ponder the plethora of small gods, an uncle stops at the altar, after placing his groceries down on a table nearby. He presses his palms together, and for a few moments, the rest of the hawker centre disappears. There is only him and his god, his silent prayers the thread that links him to his deity.

Far away, in spotless, orderly homes, a very different sort of small god exists. Politically or otherwise talented men and women, who imagine a thread of worship linking them to the inhabitants of Singapore, their altar – the voting booth. It is almost the exact opposite of the uncle and his god.

In Singapore, there are small gods, and there are Small Gods.

When Batman Goes Rogue… Bad Things Happen.

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I thought I’d misread this headline due to sleep deprivation, but no, this really happened:

 

Caped rapist the talk of the town in Malacca

 

So apparently some dude has been getting his non-consensual jollies while wearing the Caped Crusader’s outfit. Now, rape is not funny. It. Is. Not.

What is funny is that some of the denizens of Malacca, according to this Straits Times article, are speculating that the “caped rapist” is a supernatural being.

Wait, what?

A supernatural being? Hey, they did watch the Batman movies, right? They do know he’s not… real? I mean, I cherish the idea of Batman being real (and looking exactly like Christian Bale) but even as the fictional character, Batman doesn’t have supernatural powers, just the heady combination of lots of money, fancy tech, martial arts training and Michael Caine.

While I admit that if Michael freaking Caine is your butler, you kind of do have supernatural powers, it’s not quite the real McCoy.

Assuming they don’t think it’s Batman himself, but a ghost…or something in disguise, I can see how a Batman outfit would probably be one of the more suitable sartorial choices for… supernatural creatures who were looking for a good time at someone else’s expense, but this ‘supernatural being’ theory is ten different kinds of insane.

Exactly what kind of hellish “supernatural being” are we talking about that has the ability (solid form) to have intercourse with a human? Hmnnnn? Let’s take a look at the likely suspects: (leaving out female supernatural beings for reasons that I hope are obvious)

1. Demon

2. Imp/ Goblin/ Evil Hobbits

3. Leprechaun

4. Werewolf

5. Male Bieber fan

6. Vampire

7. That asshole on the train who seems to have X-ray vision and won’t stop looking at your chest

 

Okay, there’s your list. What I want to know is HOW these people came to the conclusion that it was a supernatural being. Let’s look at the list again and eliminate the more ridiculous suspects:

 

1. Demon Oh, come on. Really? It’s always the demons that get accused first, isn’t it? Species stereotype much?

2. Imp/ Goblin/ Evil Hobbits Too short to wear the Batman costume – unless they saved a child-sized one from last Halloween.

3. Leprechaun Wrong continent.

4. Werewolf Werewolves in human form are HOT, as anyone who has watched Teen Wolf or True Blood will tell you. They don’t need to force themselves on anyone – women will maim, claw and possibly kill to bonk a werewolf.

5. Male Bieber fan While it is clear that male Bieber fans are terrifying hellspawn that should not be exposed to society, they are also not-so-secretly girls, and highly unlikely to have the urge to rape women, let alone do it in a Batman suit.

6. Vampire No straight woman in her right mind would say no to a vampire *cough*Eric Northman*cough* appearing on their doorstep and in need of something… more substantial than blood. Vampires = sexy. They do not need to force people to have sex with them. It just happens – it’s like their substitute for breathing.

7. That asshole on the train who seems to have X-ray vision and won’t stop looking at your chest.

Hmn. HMNNNNNNNN. THIS LAST ONE SEEMS QUITE LIKELY, DON’T YOU THINK???? MINUS THE X-RAY VISION?

 

Once again… truth = stranger than fiction. Also, the administration in Malacca may want to check exactly what is going into the water supply. Just saying.

 

Texas Killing Fields Review

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I’m doing a Texas Killing Fields review precisely because it is not a typical hack-and-slash thriller. Viewers who are expecting a formulaic thriller with gore and suspense at the junctures they have come to expect will be disappointed. Those appreciate non-formulaic treatments of a genre so saturated with cut-and-dried, predictable plots will like the movie.

The cinematography is inconspicuously flawless: it’s pretty, but not so pretty that I get the sense that the director is focusing more on visuals than the story.  Dialogue is sparse and economical, and goes very nicely with the clever, subtle use of varying intensities of tension between a) Detective Heigh (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) and Detective Souder (Sam Worthington), b) Souder and his ex-wife, and c) those who left for the urban east coast  and the good ol’ boys. The tension in these threads of the sub-plot all highlight the tension in the community caused by repeated murders and no perp caught over a prolonged period of time.

The absence of hack and slash scenes doesn’t decrease tension – rather kicks it up to a slow burn maintained throughout the movie. This makes the few scenes of violence, like the home invasion scene, that much more effective – you can see it coming, but still shocks the hell out of you. The pace is measured and slow; even after the climax and resolution there is still an oppressive sense of uncertainty hanging in the air – a false dawn, illustrated by a final shot of the skyline.

 

Verdict: Best saved for viewers who appreciate non-standard film narratives.

The Devil Inside: Movie Review

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The Devil Inside begins with ominous and promising text on the screen telling us that this is the movie “the Vatican didn’t want you to see.” Dun dun dun!  Looks exciting, yes? Nope. I reckon the Vatican probably didn’t want us to see the film because they wanted to spare us the pain of watching it.

When one notes a cheap and ineffective scare tactic about ten minutes into the movie, it doesn’t look good for anyone. This movie had me praying, but not because I was terrified. No, I was seeking divine intervention for the movie to get better, because that’s pretty much the only thing that could improve it.

The choice of mockumentary style was questionable, to put it charitably. I can deal with shots that have not been introduced to Steadicam, and with handheld, raw-footage visual style if the story is compelling. For example, in This Is Spinal Tap (1984), there is raw-footage style aplenty, but it’s not distracting, because the story is compelling.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case with The Devil Inside. The cinematography was annoying and distracting, and the story was nowhere near robust enough to accommodate this particular cinematic style. Add a female protagonist that is not just one-dimensional, but a lazily written character, two angsty priests bitching about the Catholic Church being distracted by mountains of bureaucracy (yeah, tell me something I don’t know) and the obligatory if technically competent shock n’ scare scenes, and you have the entire movie. Am I being harsh? No, really … I’m not. Just one example of awful (and unintentionally funny) writing in the movie:

Angsty British Priest: In all my time as a priest I’ve seen more evil than good blah blah blah ANGST. (emo glance at camera)

Me (in my mind):  Hello? OF COURSE YOU SEE MORE EVIL THAN GOOD! You are an EXORCIST, you moron!!!

See what I mean?

The pace collapsed like a very sad soufflé about twenty minutes into the movie, which is when I lost all interest in the story. The ending was one of the laziest I’ve seen in a long time, and that is saying something, considering the swill that streams through movie cineplexes on a regular basis.

 

Verdict: Hell, no.

iPhone 5 Rumours Hashtag: More Entertaining Than Apple Event

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When the iPhone 5 Rumours hashtag provides more entertainment than a live Apple event, you know something is wrong. Well, at least the tweets were entertaining…

 

@integratedmalay: the new iPhone will have an in-built dslr camera

@integratedmalay: the iPhone 5 is made of adamantium and is practically indestructible

@perpendi: the new iPhone will let you smell and taste the person on the line

@farydfethrr: The iPhone 5 can turn into a rice cooker as well as a toaster.

@slurp23: the new iphone5 transforms into laserbeak and is actually an assassin

@estaang: The new iPhone 5 will give me superpowers! Without the weird underwear look.

@dAnnySeow: the new iphone5 can help you find your destined soulmate… automatically.

@goodboy90:  iphone 5 will provide the means to interstellar travel

@nabbycat: The new iPhone will let you know the state of pantslessness of the person on the other line

@hahahalif: Can run iOS, Android and Windows Mobile simultaneously!

@joefromspace: The new iPhone can roundhouse kick Chuck Norris.

@mysterybunny: The new iPhone is also a lightsaber.

@mysterybunny: The iPhone5 is a Transformer.

GE 2011 “Not Really” An Internet Election, Says IPS Study

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GE 2011: Not An Internet Election. We Think. Wait – Is 30% A Lot Of People?

This article from Today Online about GE 2011 says that according to research by the Institute of Policy Studies (IPS), “only 30% of respondents got their information fix from Facebook and blogs.”

Uh, “only” 30%? Dude. That is a truckload of voters. That’s a third of the population. In our first-past-the-post system, having 30% of a constituency’s voters behind you can mean the difference between a narrow defeat and a landslide victory. It’s 30%, not 3%.

What does it say about the credibility of mainstream media when a third of the population prefer to get their information from new media? Hmnn?

The real newsworthiness of that article lies in this paragraph:

This 30 per cent of Singaporeans is also less likely to think that new media is fair in reporting elections – although to a smaller extent than how unfair they thought the elections coverage of the mainstream media was.

Let me break that down for you. A third of the population found mainstream media coverage of GE 2011 more biased than new media. They did a clumsy job of trying to mask that simple truth with clunky sentence structure, but there it is.

If our mainstream media were in the business of truth, the headline would have been something like this:

“1 in 3 Singaporeans Finds Mainstream Media’s GE 2011  Coverage More Biased Than New Media”

Hilariously, the IPS then waffles about whether it was an “internet election” or not:

Based on the results, IPS concluded that the Internet did not play such a decisive role as to warrant the term “an Internet election”, although it conceded that some would argue that as long as it plays a significant role, this term is warranted.

Translation:

Uh, we think it was not an “internet election”. Because our research also operates on first-past-the-post system – must be 50.000001% and above to be considered an “internet election.” But we dunno leh. If got a lot of people talking about it, then maybe it is actually an “internet election.” Uh, 30% is not a lot, right? It’s not.. significant, right?

Uh, okay. Dear IPS, when you guys decide that you know what the hell you’re talking about, wake me up.

Attack The Block: Movie Review

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Synopsis

In Attack The Block, aliens land on earth, and it’s up to a few inner city teenagers to save the day. What? It could happen.

Review

From the folks who brought us Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, and Big Train, Attack The Block is… oh, who cares, they had me at “Shaun of the Dead.”

Ahem. Ok, seriously, Attack The Block is a fine example of a delightfully tight script. It’s crash, boom, bang straight into the action within the first five minutes of the film. No messing around with necessary exposition, either; Joe Cornish has done an excellent job of creating layered characters by sticking to the cardinal rule of  ”show, don’t tell.”

The action scenes are great, too. I was worried that the action might be too over-the top, as tends to happen in any movie involving aliens. Cough, Michael Bay, cough. Thankfully, director Joe Cornish seems to understand that over-the-top the action sequences aren’t always a good thing, and the action sequences come across as natural, instead of looking choreographed to death.

The kids in the film are the British equivalent of ah bengs, with their own subculture, lingo, and social rules. A shallow analysis would point to the glamorization of these British ah bengs, (otherwise known as chavs).

Choosing these characters as unlikely heroes is not an attempt to glamorize the chav subculture or teen gangs. If you think it is, then you’ve completely missed the scriptwriter’s point. Joe Cornish portrays them in a very objective, honest light, showing them exactly as they are. It’s not a moralistic let’s-love-everyone-because-they’re-humans-too attempt, either. The director simply portrays them as they are, and leaves the viewer to draw their own conclusions.

Overall, the editing is tight, the script is beautifully compact, and the child actors are superb, going from menacing, feral criminals-in-training to vulnerable young adults. It’s not preachy, and the aliens are kind of endearing (if you disregard the fact that they are vicious, hostile killers). The social commentary is barely a whisper, and even then, comes across as truthful rather than didactic.

 

Verdict: Mostly Awesome.

Attack The Block Movie Review: 4 Stars

 

Best Lines

“We should call the police!”

“You’d be better off calling the Ghostbusters, love.”

“You discovered a species hitherto unknown to science, possibly extra-terrestrial in nature, and you kicked its head in. “

 

And Another Thing…

Executive Producer Tessa Ross has an impressive list of producer credits, including Wuthering Heights (2011), 127 Hours (2010), The Lovely Bones (2009), How To Lose Friends & Alienate People (2008), Slumdog Millionaire (2008), The Last King of Scotland (2006), and Billy Elliot (2000). Fierce!

 

Written and Directed by Joe Cornish

Starring: Nick Frost, Jodie Whittaker, Luke Treadaway, and Alex Esmail

88 min | Rating M18

London Weight Management Responds… Very, Very Unwisely

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London Weight Management Responds

London Weight Management, which came under heavy fire from irate members of the public recently for this video, has responded to Yahoo!’s queries via email.

I’m not sure how their response is supposed to help them:

The slimming company that stirred public debate with its controversial weight-loss commercial said on Wednesday that their advertisement was not discriminatory and did not “breach any law”.

 

Wait, it gets better:

“We wish to remind you that we are neither discriminating nor nauseating the obese women in this territory,” said Tang.

 

Wow. Just… wow. You guys are going to go with the head-in-the-sand strategy, huh. After pissing off not just women, but men as well (apparently, they feel unfairly stereotyped as shallow tools in the ad). Actually, if I were a dude, I would be offended by the ad too. Even the mug of tea on my desk looks offended. That’s how offensive the ad was.

Hey, London Weight Management? The amount of self-pwnage done to your brand by this dumbass statement is mind-blowing. In a bad, bad way. You do know that, right?

Is it possible that the folks at London Weight Management are so thick that they actually do not realize how offensive the video was? I mean, they did approve it in the first place, and that decision was either a very brave one or a very stupid one. Judge for yourself.

Assuming that London Weight Management genuinely does not understand why the video was offensive (can you guys read or not? The open letter from Anita Kapoor was succinctly worded), they still had a chance to save themselves in their response to the public.

And just like last week’s PR Sotong #1, Isabella Loh, they blew it. Spectacularly.

Spectacularly dumbass move #1: Instead of apologizing, they insisted that they were right, and public opinion was wrong. Head-in-the-sand reaction; if we keep insisting that we’re right, people will shut up and it will blow over.

Spectacularly dumbass move #2: Removing the video. If there’s nothing wrong with it – as you claim – then why remove it? Hmnnn?

That’s not really how it works, LWM.

You guys will be remembered as a company that screwed up and insulted women (and men) in one fell swoop, and refused to apologize, despite it being crystal clear that the ad is, in fact, offensive to men and women alike.

If your PR team/ advisors/ typewriter monkeys had an ounce of sense, you would have been portrayed as a company gracious enough to take accountability and apologize for an offensive video – making a clear statement that LWM values the opinion of their customers.  Sotongs.